Expectations are a curse, but can one live without expecting. It hurts especially if you feel that someone whom you are very attached to or someone from whom you do not hide anything, is not so open with you. You know, hides facts, does not reciprocate and then you submerge yourself in self-pity.
The expectation that the world will function as you want… but why should anyone follow your will or your dictates, everyone has their own feelings, their own better sense to guide them.
But why this sudden thought on expectations. Two things basically. A person close to me always hides facts. Now that hurts. Why, I think. But then why not. For me the person is important, for her it may not be so. I may be just another individual in her vast entourage of friends.
Another used to talk to me when there was no one around. I foolishly believed that I mattered to her. Until a couple of times amidst a group she ignored me totally and then reality stuck. The same person would tell me repeatedly that I am wasting my time by not earning. ‘But I write’, I said. Writing is OK as a hobby but it doesn’t pay, she retorted.
Why don’t I work is a mystery to myself. Maybe because I really do not have the stamina to balance a house and a career. Or that I never found the satisfaction that I get from reading scriptures or teaching children. Yes, I can be a teacher but for that I need to do a B.ed and will I have the same enthusiasm when I teach for money, I really do not know.
As I finish my homely chores and sit with my books jotting notes, highlighting points, it fills me with peace. I feel happy when I see the mysteries of life unfolding. The analogies which bring forth dimensions not yet thought by Me, fill me with anticipation as to what else it may mean. And when I close down the books, they remain in my subconscious, going up and down like waves and then sometimes a new thought strikes. Aah what joy that moment holds.
Yes, I can be alone. I do need company but hopefully I will grow up one day and realize that you can be friends and yet not expect. Be connected and yet remain aloof. I may be termed as a recluse but then now I have enough inner peace to cling on and be strong. ___________________________________________________________
There… that is what I wrote in 15 minutes. Write tribe has this free write theme for this week. A prompt which suited fine for the avalanche of thoughts that were going on in my mind.
Thank you Suzy for helping me sort out my thoughts.